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September 2010
Submitted by Johan Bruyneel

It has been a long season of serious training, racing and sacrifices.  So as we wind down the season, I wanted to go for the lighter side of the sport.  Let's look inside Team EMC2.  What is a training ride like with Team EMC2?  Perhaps this spoof excerpt from a live television feed of our ride will help. . .  



Phil Ligget: Good morning everyone and welcome to the 43,872nd edition of the Tour de Western Suburbs.  I am Phil Liggett along with Paul Sherwin, and Bob Roll.  We will also be joined by a few special guests on the road.

I do say, Paul, it is a great day for a bike race, and the course looks especially inviting for this Masters roster.  Roly-poly hills, ample stop lights for older riders, and some smooth, fast sprint zones.  It is now close to 6am, and the stars of our day are starting to show up at the start in Lombard, Illinois.

Paul Sherwin: Indeed it is a great day for a bike race, Paul.  And I feel this really should be when bike races are held - Sunday at 6am.  Phil, race organisers and sponsors would save so much money as there would be no need to close roads nor spend money on advertising to fans.  At this hour, who the hell is on the road?

Phil: Who the hell indeed, Paul. 

Now we have a star line up.  Let's meet a few of our favourites. We have to start, of course, with Tony Meadors.  This guy is a diesel engine and while he sprints like a 12 year-old, he can maintain a difficult pace for an interminable amount of time.  Will he hurt this field?

Paul: No question, Phil.  His thighs and calves are unfairly large and defined, letting everyone know, he is there to inflict pain.

Phil: Speaking of pain, you have to mention Dave Reed.

Paul: Indeed.  It does not seem fair to mix a Cat 1/2 racer with 3's, 4's and 5's but that's racing, Phil.  Dave Reed has a ridiculously strong engine, but more than that, he has that mental level that few have - the mindset to turn the screws on anyone willing to try to hang on.  He is tough to beat when he is on good form, Phil.

Phil: But these guys do have an answer for him.  Engage him in conversation or fake a mechanical and Reed can be neutralised for a bit.  This race has seen it all.  We'll see if Dave Reed gets away for the victory today.  Paul, your thoughts on Tim Radcliff.

Paul: He's . . . tall.

Phil: That's it Paul?  Really?

Paul: Well, Radcliff has a good engine and does well at time trialing.  But he has not won a race in several years.  Maybe this could be his year.  But the peloton is not counting on it.  They enjoy watching his flyers, Phil, but not as much as they enjoy reeling them back in. 

Phil: Team EMC2 has 2 British transplants.  With our background Paul, surely a comment...

Paul: For sure.  You know British cycling history is rich with tradition, excitement, and a love of the sport.  Look no further than Bradley Wiggins, David Millar, Tom Simpson, Robert Millar, and of course, Mark Cavendish.  So with Team EM. .

Phil: . . . Paul. Excuse me.  Sorry.  Uh, Wiggins sucked in this year's Tour.  Dave is an ex-doper.  Tommy overdosed on amphetamines, and Robert Millar is now a transvestite.  So you are left with Cavendish whose lead out train headbutts people?  Help me out . . .

Paul: 'Rich with tradition' is what I said, Phil.  Don't forget about cheese rolling.  You ought to read Andrew Stevens' article on cycling in Britain to understand.

Anyway.  Team EMC2 has Gareth Reeves, a very strong up'n'comer as well as Andrew Stevens.  Gareth is another powerful locomotive while Andrew is the sleeper who wakes up in the final kilometers to beat your arse in a sprint.

Phil: Tell us about "Mr. Dedication."

Paul: Well there are two actually - Mike Fox and Jim Landenberger.  I believe both of these guys were, in an earlier life, from Belgium.  They don't miss a ride whether it's in the bog or in the sun.  There are none more committed to a steady diet of Belgian training.

Phil: Why does Belgium get all the credit for shitty-weather, hard training, Paul? 

Paul: Don't derail Phil.  You're getting old.  Stick to our script.

Phil: Seriously.  What about Kazakstan.  Or, like, Russia.  Or, or, Kentucky.  Crappy.
 
Paul: True, but Paris-Roubaix is not near them nor is Tom Boonen from there, so nothing else in the world matters.  Belgium is THE standard.  Period.  Jim and Mike have been doing this race for a very long time.  Mike since the early 1800's.  They know the course.  They know where to attack.  And they know where the tired, dangerous riders will blow up.

Phil: I am sure there are many more athletes to review, but its race time, Paul.  6am.  This Sunday's course is a all 'rounder's dream with rolling hills, a few steep kickers, and a long gentle sprint finish.

Paul: Indeed Phil.  Expect the peloton to stay together until the open roads of Fabyan Parkway where the cross winds will gobble up the unlucky and spit them out the back.  If you are in the mix going to St Charles, watch out for the two unrated climbs.

Phil: You mean "hors categorie?"
 
Paul: No - just too small to rate actually.  Not really climbs.  Longish bumps, really.  But these two sister climbs will favour the nimble angels.  If someone gets away there, its 18 miles to the finish.  If you are knackered there, it is 18 miles of suffering.

Phil: You mean 30 kilometers.  We're Brits Paul.

Paul: Bully.

Bob Roll: What the hell are we doing up this early guys?  Who called me at 5:30am?

Paul: Sheesh, Bob, you smell of pot and beer.  How about a Tic Tac.

Bob: What's your problem?

Phil: Ok to the main event.  We are sorta lined up, and its time to race.  

Bob, seriously, you look like hell - like, worse than the normal bed-head look when you announce the 'Tour DEEE France.'  You are way too hungover to announce with us.

Bob: I am not hungover, old man, I just have a monster headache and am exhausted from being up all night boozing and smokin' pot, talking about my days in the peloton.  But who cares!  I am excited to see these gladiators do batttle out on the streets of the Chicago suburbs.  Pain, speed, and (closed-mouth burp) professionals that will sacrifice themselves like they are charging down the Champs Elysees!

Phil: Ok.  So the roll-out from Lombard is smooth.  Left turn on Crescent, and the race is on.  Paul, we are heading West toward Glen Ellyn along the train tracks on Crescent, and the line of riders is already strung out.

Paul: Well there is no wasting time as they fall into a single file.  These are not attacks, per se, just very courteous, fast riders. 
 
Bob: I knew it!  I had heard of the rumors of Tommy Simpson's ghost showing up at some races, but rumor no more, my fellow commentators!  There it is, pulling that line like a gran prix motocar!  We are all witnesses!

Paul: Bob, that is Mike Fox.  He doesn't tan.  At all.

Bob: Whoa, really!  I could have sworn that was a ghost.  He has the cadence of a Ferris Wheel.  I didn't think anyone could ride that fast at 34 rpms.  Had to be a ghost, slo-mo riding at 25mph.  I'll get some coffee.

Phil: Please.  As we wind through Glen Ellyn, let's take a commercial break and be back in a moment. 

Bob, are you still high right now?

--------commercial break ----------

Phil: Welcome back.  We are flying down the streets of Wheaton on a wide open fast Geneva Road.  Paul, this group is flying at 27 - 30 mph and we are already seeing some riders cracking off the back.  Its as if someone said, 'Its time to suffer.'

Paul: Well Team EMC2 has organised near the front and appear to be putting the hammer down to the point of. . ., wait.  Oh.  They were trying to make a green light.  Never mind.  All together.

Phil: Here comes Reed to the front as we pass Winfield Road and hit a slight rise toward Indian Knoll.  My goodness me, Paul, they are DRILLIN it!  This is a lot more difficult than it appears.  Its a long grinder.  And the peloton is splitting up already! 

Paul: And watch Mike Fox.  He is tucked in this elite group just letting guys drop in front of him with a "Ga'Head."  Mike is probably the most intelligent rider in terms of conserving energy.

Bob: Well men, Reedo has said it is time to light this candle and bang, he goes.  Pace-o Rapeedo.

Paul:  Bob you made that up.  Pace-o Rapido?!

Bob: Its Italian, Mrs Sherwin. 

Paul: You did dope alot as a cyclist, didn't you, Bob?

Bob: Oh man guys!  Fracture time!  What a show of strength at the front!  Radcliff is there.  Meadors.  Landenberger.  Nowak.  Zurawski.  Reeves.  Reed.  Some other guys too.  They are drillin it like a carpenter.  Suffer-city on the streets of Chee-cago.  The bungee cord has snapped and a small selection is absolutely DE-molishing this race early on.  We'll ID these strong men as soon as we get a good feed.  Tough to see so early in the morning.

Phil: Well not so fast Bob.  A hazard of this race is the stop light, and as we head toward West Chicago, 'gruppo compacto' I fear.

Paul: Indeed, but there are some knackered men hoping the next acceleration is not too soon.   These accelerations not only sap strength for the hills to come, but they also demoralize you Phil.  If you crack, its game over.  If you want to hang on, you need to dig deep into the suitcase of courage.

Bob: No doubt Paul, my little friend.  They are sharing a can of 'whoop -ass' early in the morning and VERY early in this long race.  These guys are a special breed, baby.

Phil: As we are stopped here, let's go to our race-side correspondant, Cindy Kibbidleshtick.  Andy Schleck is live with her. 
 
Cindy Kibbidleshtick: Andy, it was a tough year and a tough tour....looking at a crystal ball, a big one with smoke and eye of newt, where do you go from here?

Andy Schleck: Great question. As you know it was a bittersweet ending to the tour and I have no one to blame but my teammates and sponsors.  (Schleck unzips his jersey)  As you can tell I spent much more time in the gym this year and less time in the saddle in order to bulk up and become more of a physical threat to the other riders. When I look forward and think about 2011 and beyond there is one thing that sticks out, cigarettes!

I will be joining team Marlboro as captain and am sure next year will bring a tour victory for me.

Cindy: Cigarettes?  Team Marlboro?

Andy: Mmmm yes, clean your ears out. Me English is pretty good.  I didn't say, "How you say. . . "

Cindy: I know, but there seems to be a disconnect with the sponsorship and cycling?  Please walk me through it.

Andy: It may not be popular, but it is the wave of the future is in emerging countries...kind of like I am the wave of the future and the present of cycling. Next question.

Cindy: Oh and Lance Armstrong just joined us!  Hi Lance.

Lance: Hello.  Hello, Andy.

Andy: Oh, I didn't know it was dinosaur hour or I would have died my hair grey and wore a cardigan.

Lance: What are you riding, Andy, a Huffy? 

Andy: Hey, good luck with Congress.  Tell Roger Clemens I said 'Hi."  Hope you are more successful than the banking industry at the hearings.

Lance: Hope you are more succesful at The Tour.  Shift much?
 
Cindy: Oh gosh, Phil and Paul back to you.  I think a girl fight is about to happen.

Phil: Well, at least no one will get hurt in a fight like that.

Paul: When we go back to Cindy, we are hoping to have a live interview with Frank Schleck, and take a closer look at what it is like to be irrelevant because of a better brother. 
 
To racing, as we roll away from the light, someone has jumped away early - before the light turned green.  We'll ID him in a second.  The rest of the peloton is shaking their heads at this move.  Its like a bobble-head convention in the pack.  Attacking from the light is one of those unwritten tour rules - you simply cannot use traffic to advance, and the peloton is not liking this move.  But the race goes on.

Phil: Well I do say, with the cross winds today, Fabyan Parkway is going to be a make or break section of this race.  Here we go, gentlemen.  We are on Fabyan.

Paul: And it is on!  Reed has draped his wrists on the handlebars and is time trialing away.  Look at the power!  That is not an outright attack but rather a brutal increase in tempo!

Tall man Radcliff is kissing his handlebars hoping to hold on.  And the field is shredding.  Small echelons are forming as they all struggle to find a wheel.  Scott Knoepke of Psimet has turned on the engines and is the front group as is Zurawski of SRAM, plus several survivors from EMC2.  Nowack of ABD is there, and a few independents.  We said this was a crucial spot in the race, and it so it is.  Landenberger is in a spot of bother, suffering like he has never suffered before!  Oh will the end of Fabyan Parkway please come soon.  28 mph in a brutal crosswind with no place to hide.

Phil: The line is strung out, and the groups in the back are looking at each other for help.

Bob: More like looking for relief.  Game over if these guys don't grit it and catch back on.  This race is riding away from them.  This is the moment of truth!  Man it looks painful.  Stevens is gasping like an Asian carp in a stagnant pond.

Paul: Suitcase of courage.

Phil: Reed is looking to see who he has with him.  Its an elite bunch, but the 3 hills are around the corner.  Paul, I am not sure if anyone can hang if he accelerates again.

Paul: Dave Reed will attack and attack until he breaks the field completely.  He needs to be careful though, because Zurawski can climb, and if the remaining lead group stays close, there are some strong time-trialists to bring them back.  An interesting chess game is shaping up here on Fabyan Parkway.

Phil: Spot of bother.

Bob: As we approach the foot of the three climbs, the pace has eased.  No one wants to hit that 1st hill tapped when they go over the bridge...past that windmill thingy.  Meadors leads them to the foot at a very good clip.  Can he hold off attacks by drillin' it Postal style? 

Paul: Nope.  There goes Reed!  Zurawski locked on his wheel at 485 rpm cadence!  Meadors is off the back!  He's cracking - Bridge to engine room: No more power!  Radcliff is digging!  Landenberger grits his teeth!  Knoepke working it but losing ground to the lead two.  Drama on the first climb as these guys beat the snot out of each other.  Big-ass SUITCASE OF COURAGE!

Bob: Suitcase of whoop-ass Paul!  Big Z and Reedo are gone!

Paul: Oh Radcliff has popped.  Lights out.

Phil: Now this is where the race is won or lost.  Will Reed and Zurawski work together and will the trailing men organise to catch back on.  Reed and Zurawski are not letting off the gas as they crest, and the pack is gasping for air.  This could be lights out.

Paul: Well Phil, we have a long way to go but that was a painful acceleration.  If nothing else, it sends a message: We are not here for a joy ride.  Join a club for that.  This is racing, fellas. 

Bob: And what a lucky break for our shelled gladiators.  Another stop light.  What a downer for our lead two.  Stopped right near the home of Bicycle Heaven, another strongman's ride, indeed.  Stop lights, the great neutralizer.  Most of the remaining field is rolling up jamming food and drink to hold them for another hour of pain.

Phil: Rolling again as we roll toward Army Trail Road.  Paul, the pace is a bit more sane for the moment.

Paul: Well, don't be fooled Phil.  There is a very fast descent to the bottom of the final hill, but momentum will NOT carry you all the way up to Army Trail.  Plus, you can overcook yourself early and forget there is a second step of that climb. 

Phil: The lead escape is all together at the base, and Landenberger moves to the front to lead the climb.  This is a rapid pace, but everyone is with him.

Paul: There goes Reed!  Zurawski goes too!  Radcliff hops on this time as well, out of the saddle charging up this climb.  Reed is not so much attacking as much as it is yet another brutal acceleration. 

Phil: And the field splinters again!  Paul, this is exactly like watching the Tour De France, just without mountains or people or cars n'stuff.

Bob: Reed looks over his shoulder to see who has answered his call.  And Radcliff counters!  Radcliff is jumping up the outside!  He has a gap...

Paul: Reed looks to Zurawski to cover it, but Z says, 'No mate.  You started it, you go after him.'  The remaining escapers are out of the saddle trying to catch back on by the top.

Phil: Radcliff crests and turns on to Army Trail.  Reed and Z are there.  Neutralised.

Bob: Oh and the lead three call it off.  Gruppo together-o.

Paul: We will take a short break and be back for the exciting conclusion.  Stay with us.

Bob, what is wrong with you?

--------commercial break ----------

Phil: Welcome back.  A few stop lights have enabled this race to come together again for an exciting finish.  We are a few miles from Lombard, winding through Glen Ellyn.

Bob: I gotta tell ya, I like the chances of the big man Radcliff. He is overdue for a win and since he made it this far, he is the man to beat.  Man is he tall.

Phil: What about Reed?

Bob: Reed stopped off in Glen Ellyn.  He works there or something.  Bummer.  Big Z decided to ride home and skip the finish, too, since he lives right there.  It is a unique characteristic of this race.  Guys disappear on the final run-in. 

Phil: Well that changes the favorites.  Gus Rosada is there.  Steve Ravenscraft.  Gareth Reeves.  Bob "power-lifter" Bondiman, Andrew "wake me up for the sprint" Stevens.  Landenberger and Radcliff.  And Meadors might. . .

Bob: . . . Nope.  No way, Phil.  12 year old girl beats Meadors in a sprint.  I mean if she can hold his wheel in a blistering lead-out, of course.

Paul: Don't count out Landenberger.  A car cut him off and he is pissed.  Adrenaline can do wonders for a sprint.  But you  probably can count out Fox.  Even if he amped it up to 55 rpms, he is not likely to contend the sprint.

Phil: Meadors leads them out.  This pace he is setting is causing gaps already in the field!  Some of the contenders unlucky to be in the back are leap-frogging up.  Rosada is glued to his wheel.  Landenberger third wheel and Radliff fourth.  The pace is high and we are within a kilometer of the finish!  Crazy fast, but controlled. . . .

Paul: Meadors peels off and Rosada is heads down.  They are flying!  Fox is still there in the back!  Can Mike Fox pull the upset of the day?!  Could he be the next Cavendish!

Bob: Maybe in "Opposite World."

Paul: Wait - nope, he just said "Ga'head" to Meadors to let him back in the line.  Fox wants to stay in the back.  But Fox is up to 45 rpm's!

Phil: Radcliff is tightening his shoe straps.  He is sitting well positioned. 31 mph. Rolling into Lombard...Landenberger takes control of the front!  Guys are safely looking around to see who is in contention and who might jump.  32 mph...  Stevens moving up as well.

Paul: OK here we go.  Final turn.  Landenberger drives the train around the bend! 34 mph  Radcliff jumps!  Stevens and Rosada there on his wheel!  Reeves charging up and has the momentum and line!  Radcliff driving it!  Reeves and Rosada are there. You have to have a last name that starts with R to win, so Stevens is fading!  They fan out!

100 meters!

Here is the lunge!  Its close!

Some little 12 year old girl wins!!!!    What an amazing finish!  What a race!  We will post results as soon as we can.  Down to Cindy at the finish, as the team rolls back into Lombard.

Cindy: Paul, I got nothing. 

Paul: OK.  Then we hope to see you out on the road!